PAYING ATTENTION
It is 1/11/11, so I leave a voicemail to remind my new ‘guyfriend’ Briant of our ONEness. Later, I am reflecting back on my voicemail, where I tell him about my visit to see my near thirty-year friend Tanya and her 11 year old son Lukie after I had left Briant’s place on Sunday.
Before Briant left for work at 9am, he brought me a glass of aloe-fruit juice, and told me there was some buckwheat hot cereal on the stove for me when I chose to get up. He kissed me good bye as I lay snuggled in his bed sheets, as he says, “You can stay if you want.” We had slept together, gently touching during sleep, a making love. No sex.
After dozing, and reading for a while, I notice that I feel the energy to leave, to drive the near 5 hour distance home. I am paying attention to a new calmness in my body. I want to stay and BE with Briant….yet want to hear, “I’d like you to stay.” He had driven us to Rockefeller Center the night before, and then to dancing ballroom, salsa and hustle, not laying our tired bodies down until near 3am. I knew Briant would be tired when he arrived home this evening after work, it would be hard to be present for me. For us.
I wouldn’t see or talk much with Briant for the next two weeks…we are not phone-people. Still, the energy felt right to leave, quietly happy that I’m not needing/depending on a man like I used to, yet felt love for him.
Leaving provided an opportunity to stop at Tanya’s on my way home; it was beginning to snow when I approached her exit off route 17, the car driving it self right on by. I kept thinking I need to visit; it has been too long since we have connected by phone or visit, as Tanya isolates herself, feeling depressed and overwhelmed by her responsibilities of full-time job, her son, and an unhappy marriage.
The snow stops flying and my car drives an extra 8 mile detour to Tanya’s over snow-laden back country hills and valleys, where 30-40mph speed is necessary. I pray not to slide off the road. I had left a voicemail about a half hour earlier that I was stopping by to visit. When I stepped on the porch, and had barely opened the door, Lukie springs his arms around me with the force of an excited dog, happy to see its master. “I am so glad to see you Didi!!” he exclaimed with ecstatic joy I had not felt in months. I was very surprised, soaking his words in like a well-rubbed Velveteen Rabbit.
Lukie shares his planetary project for school with me, as well as his catalog of antique light globes; he is a big collector of antique signs like those from old gas stations. His enthusiasm brims over me like melting chocolate-nut ice cream, my favorite. Luke also articulates his mother’s “exhaustion” out loud as Tanya expresses, “I feel like a victim, at work.” I can’t help but notice Luke’s lips purposely speaking greater than his 11 years, seeing his worry and desire to help his mother.
I suggest that Luke stay with me some weekend, hearing loudly, “I’d love that Didi!”
Tanya replies, “Chuck (his dad) won’t allow that.”
I smile, “I will put out loving energy, anyway Chuck talks to me friendlier lately.”
“I love the environment and antiques where you live Didi. I’d love to come.”
As I put my coat on to leave, my heart leaps again as I hear, “I will stay in touch Didi, even if my mom doesn’t.” Luke wraps his arms around me again with the firmness of a bear hug, repeating “I’m so glad to see you Didi!”
As I voicemail Briant, “There’s nothing like the love of a child,” tears choke (cloak) my words with more clear love.